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Bollying Potter

December 13, 2010

Although I’m feebly informed about the Indian Version of Harry Potter featuring Prabhu deva and the spectacled boy of KHNH, I feel it as a duty to suggest a desified version of the film that would clearly reflect our rich-get-richer Indian culture.

I’m rather bored with the firangi version of the film, which typically begins with a serious newspaper article about nocturnal notorious activities of the Dark Lord resulting in Kirron Kherr types Prof. McGonagall traveling to London and screwing Harry’s holidays. The film could instead begin with a positive colorful note where Harry jumps in air to break a pumpkin or two with head , followed by a ‘pokkiri pongal’ types intro song.

Its very convincing that Harry Potter is already quite bolly – he can do anything and everything like 3 Idiots Amir Khan, the only difference being Harry doesn’t cry every 10 minutes. That doesn’t rule out the Bolly Potter from having sentimental scenes. His appa-amma sentiment can be blown to monstrous size out of a tiny balloon by including the famous ‘mere paas maa hai’ dialogue when Harry altercates with his co-birather about the proclaimed pseudo-superiority of wizards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unlike the British racist version which shows a Chinese girl backstabbing Harry in the Order of Phoenix, the desi version would be fair and secular. Essentially it will have a Tamil Iyer student wearing horizontal face mark, butchering Hindi to molecular levels, shouting ayyo for everything (for some reason Indians find ‘oh teri’ to be cooler than ‘ayyo’) and severely messing up relationship with women. At the end he will get campus-placed in TCS or Infosys, showing middle finger to the wizardry Khans and Kapoors.

A Bollywood film is never complete without a Sardar. For the sake of it, the head master Dumbledore himself could be a Sardar – with that the film would even reflect the politics of India. Including some characters in the ministry of Magic that wears yellow cloaks and threaten Dumbledore of his position would also pacify the solar family in Tamil nadu. So far the film is politically perfect. Showing Voldemort as a Jihadi terrorist will result in a couple of fire holes, this time in the real Taj Mahal. So let’s skip that part, moreover Vijaykanth is too busy fighting the rising-son and amma’s sons and has no time for doing acrobats with Pakistanis.

Publicly Displaying Affection (PDA) activities of the grown Harry Potter are highly prohibited in our thackereyed society. Order some XXL sized cauliflowers and hide all lip locks. Even Hermione has to be conservative and reflect a typical Indian-NAARI. (Note to North Indian – Nari means ‘fox’ in Tamil. So better use an extra ‘a’)

The film can however involve indirect portrayal of rape sequences with a saree clinging on to the ceiling fan or a painting of a tiger pouncing at the deer. Typically the sister of the hero’s friend will be followed in the street by some bad boys. She spats at them saying ‘chee-neengalam-akka thangachiyoda-porakkala’ (chee- were you not born with sisters?). The otherwise ‘eve-teasing-only-motived’ bad boys would get turned on and rape her. To invoke the emotions of Indian audience the rape scene can be shot in Delhi preferably with Qutb-Minar in background.

 

Now comes the prime part of Harry Potter – the spells. Oh Man, believe me, there is no better language on earth than Hindi when it comes to swear words. Words with phonetics matching the aggression of the abuser have been carefully chosen by our ancestors. Its quite unfortunate that our family-oriented system has to be identified in swears words also when we do maa-behan in Hindi or Otha-Ommale in Tamil. Listen to what she has got to say about this habit.

Spells like Alohomora, Confringo and Expecto Patronum can be replaced with ‘Khul Jaa Sim Sim’, ‘bHaad me jaa’ and ‘teri maa ki…’ gaalis. This would come as a surprise like Venkatesh Prasad hitting a six off Shoaib Akthar and electrify the crowd. Much to the pleasure of UP’ites Harry Potter features Owls. No one loves this Strigiformes (a.k.a Ullu) species more than them. How long would you tease a Super hero with his mysterious scar or dead parents? Try ‘Ullu ke patte’ and related Gaaliyan – the story would at least approach the climax soon.

The Indian version has to be more colorful than the firangi version, which means a lot of money. Sun TV won’t invest so much unless you let Rajnikanth play the role of Harry Potter. Try to rope in Arindham Chaudhary. You might have to rename the school as ‘Indian Institute of Wizardry Management’ with a catch line ‘dare to think beyond Hogwarts’. Another option would be contact the already bankrupt IPL team owners at the cost renaming the houses Chennai Gryffindor, Rajasthan Ravenclaws, Kolkata Hufflepuffs and Bangalore Slytherins. In return you will get to see bollywood babes smooching their-father-aged entrepreneurs during Quidditch match.

Add a duet song near the Hogwarts lake, kill a couple of Harry’s friends (hey, not the tamil guy OK), an item song for the Malfoys and somehow drag it to the climax. Make sure Harry fights Voldemort in a private place but kills him in public, so as to convey a social message. Hire ARR, editor Anthony, K V Anand, Sonu Nigam, Farah Khan and others and randomly mix everything in a Uma wet-grinder. Create a controversy about the female artists of the film before release, hype Harry’s six pack and Hermione’s bikini scene. But as said earlier, to be politically & culturally conservative, tell the media that the film is entirely meant to display the destruction of dark lord and symbolically release it for Diwali as Om Harry Om.

Thatsy Tamilians use an extra ‘h’ – A Sheila Dikshit case study

November 16, 2010

The NRIs and confused desis ofNew Zealandare fuming at the Sheila ‘Dikshit’ issue. It seems like this is the year of Pauls – be it popularity or controversy. Probably India should not have committed for heavy duty stuffs like CWG. If not for it, such son of clowns from a nowhere land wouldn’t have had the need to talk about Sheila. While the whole of Dikshit clan is wondering what to do with the huge helium balloon in an effort to pretend as if nothing had happened I feel how cool it is to be a Tamilian.

It’s quite obvious for city girls to fall for some Arjun Singh than for a Sivagurunadhan Raamamirdham, but look at your preferences on a global platform. An Arjun Singh or Sunny Goel wearing turban and walking into the streets of London asking “Sirji, kann you tellu mee where this place is’ is sure of getting racially abused. Like Paul Henry most of social and asocial racists begin with the name. If he asks “why are you Sanjay Singh and not Sanjay Dance”, you are left with no other options apart from updating a furious status message in Facebook or end up listening Alisha’s ‘Made in India’ on Youtube.

In these cases Tamilians are completely unabusable. By the time a Westerner works out how to pronounce Marudhalinga Sadaiyathevar you can walk two miles away. At least now one should accept that we are the most advanced races of all. We knew the world will depend on Indians’ brains one day and we will spread like Trojan virus all over the world. We also knew there will Racism. Cautiously we named ourselves with complex phonetics that no one would even dare to make fun of.

In less complex names, we included an extra ‘h’, an effort to warn the aggressive in-house racists. Satya would be Sathya in Tamil Nadu, Bharti will be Bharathy. I laugh my spine off at that hapless Gujju friend of mine who cast a PJ once “Hutch has two ‘h’ because it was invented in Tamil Nadu”. His name was Hardik Patel. Thank Jai Sri Krisna, he dint get to go to NZ. In the same lines, if Sheila Dikshit had been a tamilian, she would have been conservatively named Sheela Dheekshith, leaving no scope for Paul Henry to even to think about dirty stuffs.

If not for a famous underwear brand, she would at least rename herself ‘Dixit’. The Leader of opposition in the Parliament feels that our dignity has been screwed in an unrecoverable manner once again in international arena, leaving no option other than sticking onto ‘tolerant nation’ status.

Let the dikshits and kalmadis worry about disposing the helium balloon and clearing the condoms blocked drainage.

Singing in the rain “Appadi podu podu podu”

Yours sincerely

 

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November 15, 2010

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